Herman Cain gets 6324 votes in South Carolina, all from white women

January 22, 2012

Herman Cain today gathered 1.1% of the primary vote in South Carolina when the tallies were in. A Cain spokesperson, Joseph Penn, said that all the votes were from suburban white women. “We all know that Herman has an irresistible charm with soccer moms,” said Penn. “No one can fault him for going to his strongest source [...]

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Perry says that he would pee on a Taliban corpse but his prostate won’t let him

January 18, 2012

Rick Perry, coming off a lackluster performance in the South Carolina GOP debate yesterday, spoke to FakePolitics today about the Marine Pee Scandal. According to Perry, the Marines are being unjustly demonized. “They were just doing what comes naturally,” Perry stated. “I don’t know why everyone is picking on them.” Perry said that after a [...]

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Stephen Colbert’s new Super PAC ad-hot off the press

January 17, 2012
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Tebow: The Ricks fucked my game up

January 15, 2012

Tim Tebow met with FakePolitics.com after the drubbing he received in the hands of the New England Patriots at the Gillette Stadium last night. When asked for the reason for the under-par performance, Tebow blamed his loss on both Rick Santorum and Rick Perry. “The Ricks fucked my game up,” said Tebow. “They kept tweeting [...]

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Mitt Romney wins New Hampshire GOP primary and announces that he is firing half the state

January 11, 2012

Mitt Romney today won the New Hampshire GOP primary and announced that he will be firing half the state. According to a Romney spokesperson, Nathan Huth, the much maligned GOP candidate feels that New Hampshire could be more efficient and would function well with half the current population. “Mitt feels that by reducing the New [...]

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Obama recess appoints Richard Cordray and tells Fox News reporter, “What bitch? You gotta problem with that?”

January 5, 2012

Barack Obama today appointed Richard Cordray to lead the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau. At the news conference, Obama informed news organizations that he has taken a new direction in dealing with the GOP. He mentioned the deep soul searching that he went through on a recent vacation in Hawaii. In future dealings with the GOP and [...]

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Ron Paul: I didn’t use the gay guy’s bathroom because I heard it was stinky

December 27, 2011

Ron Paul today denied reports that he avoided using a gay supporter’s bathroom because he was uneasy with gays. Paul said that there was another odoriferous reason for his reluctance to use the bathroom. “I heard from my staff that his bathroom was stinky,” said Paul. “I don’t like stinky bathrooms.” When asked which staff member told [...]

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House Republicans say they are not extending the payroll tax cut then yell “just kidding”

December 23, 2011

House Republicans today claimed that they were just kidding when they said that they will not pass the extension of the payroll tax cut. House Speaker John Boehner said that America seems to have lost its sense of humor. “I am not sure why this joke was misconstrued by the public,” said Boehner. “I think [...]

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Trump inquires about the availability of Kim Jong Il’s hairstylist

December 19, 2011

Donald Trump told FakePolitics today that he inquired about the availability of Kim Jong Il’s hairstylist, Choi Gay Ho. “I wanted to know if the North Koreans would allow Mr. Choi to be hired by me,” said Trump. “I think Mr. Choi has some pretty interesting hair ideas.” Trump mentioned how he and Kim would [...]

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Round up of last night’s GOP debate in Iowa (via TPM)

December 16, 2011
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